I’ve had several ideas of what to write… but none of them have felt right as of late. I’ve had too many different emotions swirling around that I cannot express at the moment. It takes a surprisingly large amount of energy for me to even start to write something.
Life has been extremely rough recently, I won’t lie. My appetite has been non-existent, but I’ve been eating nonetheless. Dizziness, nausea, weakness, light headedness, shakiness, feeling drugged (even when I don’t take pain medicine), etc. have been more prevalent. It takes a lot out of me when there’s not much there to begin with.
Discouragement has been rearing it’s ugly head my way lately. Dealing with constant, non-stop pain takes a toll on your body (physically, mentally and emotionally). Support and encouragement is something very few and far between. Maybe it’s because I don’t like to talk about what I go through every day. So, people don’t see the real picture. It’s quite different from what I present when I’m around others. I’ve had to fight to be “normal” all my life.
When I was younger, I hated being so different when friends would ask why I had to take medicine every day. So when I did have a bad migraine in elementary school, I wanted to go to school and not miss out on anything. My Mom would have to have my doctor call me and tell me I had to stay home, take medicine and rest to get the migraine gone. Otherwise I would insist to go to school. Even as I grew older, I pushed through my migraines because I didn’t want to miss out on being at school, social events, church, etc.
In 6th grade, I had a rough year with having a lot more migraines (episodic) than I normally did. I was so upset when my parents (who made the decision with my neurologist) picked me up early from school one day and I was admitted in the hospital for about a week to get IV meds to help stop the bad cycle of migraines. Even though the medicine made me sick and feel horrible, it worked out for the best… it helped get my migraines under control again. I had to go into the hospital again in 11th grade because I had had one migraine for over a month. Being in the hospital this time didn’t help as much… continued with this one migraine for 8 more months. I had a couple of teachers who were so wonderful to me during that time. I never would have made it and graduated on time without the support and encouragement from these 2 special, wonderful and caring teachers and my parents. Not many of my friends knew what was going on at the time and the extent of what I was dealing with. Because, I didn’t like to talk about it a lot. I still don’t. Writing this blog is extremely hard for me. There are very few I usually share my true feelings with.
I know this is hard to wrap your head around… but the migraine I have now, started in March of 2001, during the spring semester of my freshman year of college. So, next month it will 13 years since I have been pain free in any way. In the last 4 years, I’ve gotten a lot worse. The pain intensity has worsened (it’s now an 8 or 9 normally and only gets worse), and the symptoms associated with migraine have worsened and intensified. My triggers for migraine don’t cause me to get one now… they only intensify the pain I already have from the 13 year long migraine. In addition to everything that comes with a migraine, about 5 years ago, I started with chronic back and neck pain. I think the pain from my head has just started moving downward.
When you are in constant pain that’s just below the highest pain level (10), it’s hard to do a lot of things. One big thing, sleep. Now, not getting enough sleep is one of my triggers. Needless to say sometimes the pain keeps me from sleeping, and when that happens it makes my pain worse… and the cycle continues.
I have made a decision to not take my rescue meds very often. I am scared of getting hooked on something (especially if I took it as often as I felt bad), and so I save it for when my pain is off the charts (for me anyway).
It hurts a lot that I’ve had to give up my job and most of my independence. But, it was necessary. I’ve had to let go of several dreams and there will probably be more I will have to let go of. Sometimes that’s just how life goes.
I am so glad for things that make me laugh… that’s what gets me through each day. I am very intentional about finding humor every day in as much as possible, even when I’m under a cloud of discouragement for a time. Laughter brings hope.
“Let me not pray to be sheltered from dangers,
but to be fearless in facing them.
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain, but
for the heart to conquer it.”
― Rabindranath Tagore
“You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it.”
― Margaret Thatcher
“Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, ‘I will try again tomorrow.”
― Mary Anne Radmacher
Beauty From Affliction 
I’ve given in to discouragement in my life more times than I’m willing to admit, missing multiple opportunities for joy and laughter with you and others. In light of this personal shortcoming, I want to be more intentional about reversing my tendency toward allowing circumstances to overwhelm me. Maybe we can find ways to bear each other’s burdens more often in the time we have left during our journey through this ‘lonesome valley’.