When bad days come and don’t want to leave

Sometimes I don’t know if I should share any of this or even have this blog. But, here it is.

Truth be told, some days (or weeks) it’s really hard for me to see the beauty in things. That doesn’t keep me from trying.

Days where nothing will touch the pain and where sleep is almost nonexistent because of how bad The Migraine has gotten. Nothing will take the edge off. It’s hard to think, breathe, move, and even exist. I think that after 13 years of a constant migraine and non stop pain, those days become more frequent and the pain more intense. Yet, I still seem surprised when the bad days show up. I try to rack my brain over which of my many triggers may have made the pain so unbearable. Most of the time, I can’t figure it out. Some days it is the barometric pressure changes, or the fact I didn’t eat because of how bad I’m feeling (because who feels like fixing food when you can’t stand up?), or it could be that I did too much or had too much fun the day before. Or it’s just that my pain decided to get worse for no apparent reason.

On a good day, my migraine is still at a pain level of 8 or 9 (out of 10), but I am able to do things and get out. It’s easier to smile on the good days. Easier to find beauty everywhere I look.

Sometimes on my bad days, I wish I could just be admitted into the hospital and get pumped with some IV meds for a week or two. That used to help me when I was younger. (Of course I didn’t have a migraine 24/7 either) Those meds also made me so drowsy I couldn’t fight sleep. When you’re in so much pain all the time, you want something that will make you sleep. Sleep is the only time I have relief from pain. But in having this migraine all the time, it can prevent me from sleeping. The pain is so bad, I can’t sleep. And, guess what? Not getting enough sleep is one of my triggers. So, when I can’t sleep, my pain gets worse. And when my pain gets worse, I can’t sleep. It’s just a never ending cycle.

Then there are days where I wish I had a different disease. Having Chronic Migraine is hard enough, but at least other diseases get more support. People with other diseases get more support, more encouragement, more understanding and more recognition that they’re actually fighting hard everyday against their disease. People check in with people with other diseases and send them regular encouragement. Migraine has stigma, but Chronic Migraine has an even bigger stigma to it. I know, I experience it. People probably forget, because when they see me… I’m always told how great I look. I expend a lot of energy to look “normal” even though I don’t feel it.

Speaking of stigma relating to migraine… read this article, it explains it a bit better than I can.

When someone I don’t know asks what I do or what my job is, I usually just tell them what I used to do and act like I am currently still a Preschool Teacher. It takes so much energy to explain why I’m no longer working. And, there’s no telling the reaction. But, I can usually gauge who will understand and I can tell. Although sometimes I just don’t want to. It leads to so many questions and then suggestions of things to try. Most of which, I have. If it’s out there, I’ve most likely tried it. When I don’t have the energy to deal with all of that, I just tell them what I used to do. Our society is very focused on jobs, and marital status. What I mean by that, is everyone wants to know what your job is. And if you aren’t married, when you’re getting married. Now, I know I’m not a failure. But there are days that I feel like one. Because of where I am now. And when people are always asking me about my job or my relationship status, it can make me feel less than I am. And the key word is, feel. That doesn’t mean I am what I feel…

I’ve had to let go of so many dreams. And, I’m pretty sure there will be more to come that I have to let go of. It’s hard. Even so, I have faith and hope that His plan will be using all of this for good.

I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I believe that what God wants me do now is love. Just love. Love others, and myself.

“Some of us think holding on makes us strong; but sometimes it is letting go.”
– Hermann Hesse

“The one thing love requires is to let others know they are not alone.“

For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. -Jeremiah 29:11-13