The other day was an extremely hard day and every little thing was extra difficult to do. I had to peel myself out of bed. Felt like I had been hit by truck. I could not get the produce sticker off an apple, and I finally gave up (right after I almost broke down and cried) and just put it back. Settled for something to drink instead. My feet were so heavy and wouldn’t go where my brain was telling them to go. I haven’t slept well or much in years. It’s so frustrating when my body dictates what happens at any given time instead of me.
The same has been happening with my friendships. Most of them have been slipping or have slowly slipped away. My friends and their friendships mean the world to me. For someone who has always tried my hardest to be there when my friends need me (or just someone in general), it hurts immensely that I can’t be there the way I used to be. Now for the most part if I don’t contact my friends first, I rarely hear from them. There are exceptions. And, there are no words to express how grateful I am that there are a few wonderful people that check in with me on a regular basis. Some of them even want to hang out. I am beyond appreciative when people think of me, include me, and ask me to do things with them.
I am so overwhelmed and grateful for all of my friendships (past and present). It doesn’t matter if we met growing up, middle school, high school, college, on a train, church, through mutual friends, while I was on a trip, work, various social events, on an airplane, etc. I can’t imagine how different (not in a good way) my life would have been without all of you in it. Of course, many of us have lost touch through the years for various reasons. That’s life. Know that you are thought of, prayed for and missed. Sometimes I wonder what you are up to and think about how much fun we used to have. Occasionally I might wish I were one of the friends you did choose to keep in touch with and continue to get together with. Thank you for being a part of my life whether it has been for a reason or a season or will be for a lifetime.
It is hard to have a chronic illness and chronic pain without a lot of support and encouragement. Can you imagine someone going through cancer, MS, ALS or a horrible accident without the love, support and encouragement of their friends? I know it happens, but the majority of the time people rally around them, organize events to raise money for them and their medical expenses, find lots of ways to shower them with love, support and encouragement. Which they desperately need! I am so glad people fighting these horrible diseases get so much support. It is important!
What is so different about going through chronic illness and chronic pain? Is it because when you see them, they look normal and like they aren’t sick? Is it because there isn’t a end? So you can’t commit to love, support and encourage a friend for that many years? Who wants to hear for (almost) 14 years that my pain and illness isn’t getting better? What do you say to someone? After a while, there’s not much to say. People can’t seem to wrap their head around pain or an illness that never stops and only gets worse through the years no matter what you try to do to help it. And after a while the person that is going through this gets discouraged. They get tired of explaining. They get tired of saying why they can’t work, can’t make it to social events, can’t keep in touch, can’t maintain relationships, etc. They need someone to encourage them on the things they CAN do. Some days all you can do is get out of bed. That’s OK. Some days you can do more. That’s OK too. I LOVE it when I am able to get out, even if it is just to meet a friend for lunch, dinner, a snack, to talk or hang out. It’s usually the highlight of that week for me. When someone takes the time to text me, email me, send a card, or call it means the world to me. If I don’t get back to you, it’s not because I don’t want to. It’s usually because I’m having a bad day or week with my illness/pain, or because I forget to get back to you since my memory is horrible now.
It’s becoming harder for me to keep in touch. I’m rarely ever able to make it to church anymore. It’s hard to be in that position. It’s even harder when I’m not missed if I don’t keep in touch or show up somewhere. I can’t even think about making new friends or starting new relationships when I can’t keep in touch or maintain the ones I already have. I have stopped telling people how things really are. For one, I have noticed most people don’t care. Two, they don’t want to hear that things aren’t getting better and don’t know how to react. Three, I will just get more suggestions of things to try that I either can’t afford, that have nothing to do with the cause of my illness/pain, or that I have already tried and it failed (which is heartbreaking & disappointing every time). I have also pretty much stopped talking about my illness/pain unless someone else brings it up. I would rather hear how someone else’s life is going. There’s not much to share on my end and most of the time I don’t even know how to answer people’s questions. So, I smile and say everything is fine, that I’m doing OK, or that I’m trying to hang in there.
I found a list recently that lists some of the inevitables of chronic illness. It’s crazy how much of it is true.
The Inevitables of Chronic Illness
1. You will lose some friends.
2. You will think you are going crazy.
3. You will feel pain and fatigue.
4. You will almost talk yourself out of cancelling appointments hundreds of times.
5. You will lose money on unproven “cures” and/or (proven) medical tests and procedures.
6. You will cry almost daily.
7. Your family and your friends will discourage you.
8. You will doubt yourself thousands of times.
9. You will develop weird habits. (You have to, to cope and survive!)
10. People will give you grief for no reason.
11. You will lose hope before gaining strength.
12. You will lose many friends and family but find others who understand you even better.
If you know someone, especially a friend that is struggling in any way… and you are able to love them, support them or encourage them in some way, please do it! You never know how much it might change their life. Seriously. You might save them from harming themselves, you might encourage them to get help, you might give them just enough hope to get through one more day. In a world that teaches us to think about ourselves all the time, try and focus on others and their needs. Even if you have to start out little. Just sending a short text, email or card to someone can make a huge difference. I’m talking to myself as well. I have to remind myself that when I am able, I need to remember to focus on and reach out to others. Life is about others and the way we interact with them. Start loving, supporting and encouraging any one you come across. It might just change their life. Or yours.
“Life is hard as it is. Too many rough roads to travel. Too many chains to untangle. But no matter how cruel the world may be, life becomes less hard when you have a good friend.”
“I think if I’ve learned anything about friendship, it’s to hang in, stay connected, fight for them, and let them fight for you. Don’t walk away, don’t be distracted, don’t be too busy or tired, don’t take them for granted. Friends are a part of the glue that holds life and faith together. Powerful stuff.”
“Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity.”
Beauty From Affliction 