Migraine is a neurological disease, so it never fully goes away. It’s always lurking around, ready to strike. Right now, there is no cure. There are times where it can be managed better (especially if you can successfully figure out and control your triggers) and the number of migraine attacks can be reduced, but the disease is always there.
This month marks 14 years since this never ending migraine and pain entered my life. It was in my life for years before, but it was never a constant companion. Just a visitor that passed through at various times. Sometimes it visited more often than other times, but the individual attacks did go away. Fourteen years ago, my brain and body decided for whatever reason to turn on the switch for chronic migraine, pain and all the other slew of symptoms. So, for 14 years, I’ve been in the midst of ONE migraine attack.
I wasn’t planning on writing about it this year. A couple of weeks ago when I remembered what the month March meant, a huge wave of dread and sadness hit me. Typically, I am light hearted and positive about it all and looking for what God has taught me and is continuing to teach me in this experience. This year is not even one of the “big” years, you know like 1, 5, 10, 15, and so on. Although, to be honest any year with constant pain and a host of other symptoms is a big year when you are the one living it.
This year, for some reason the anniversary is just making me sad. It is so difficult to fight this all day, every day. Then, I see so many people I know going through difficult times as well. It makes me feel like I don’t have a good enough reason to speak up or talk about how frustrated I am. So, most of the time I don’t say anything. When people are kind enough to ask how things are going or how I am doing, I don’t really know how to answer. Most of the time it is because I don’t have the energy to explain. Sometimes it’s because I know the person asking won’t really understand. Then again, sometimes it might be because I actually don’t know how to answer. How do I tell people it only seems to be getting worse and I feel like the fight is too difficult and wearing me down? That I don’t want to be a burden? For those that ask and want to know how I am doing and actually listen even when you don’t understand, thank you from the bottom of my heart. It means the absolute world to me!
I try so hard to be positive in all this and to be positive with others and to encourage them even when I can’t do the same for myself. Letting others know they are cared for, loved and thought about, making someone smile or making their day just a little better even when I can’t always do the same for myself… That’s what makes it worth it to me in the end.
To anyone out there that might be going through similar circumstances, I applaud you. Don’t give up! I know how hard it is for you to fight. I know how hard it is for you to wake up (if you even made it to sleep the night before) and face another day full of pain and full of challenges. I know how difficult, sad, disappointing, exhausting, lonely and isolating this journey can be. I’m proud of you for waking up… because existing is hard. It’s OK if all you did today was breathe. You are loved. You are thought of. You mean the world to someone, even if you don’t know it or it doesn’t feel like it. You are not alone. Find something to make you laugh every day, it helps more than you might realize. You are amazing. You are enough. You are a hero. You are brave. You are strong. Don’t give up! Someone out there needs to hear your story and about your struggles. Someone out there needs to know they are not alone in this fight. You might be the only one who can be that light in someone’s darkness. Let yourself cling to the hope that tomorrow may be a better day. You matter, don’t ever forget that.
“Pain is draining. Even though it is physically “painful”, that’s just the tip of the iceberg. Pain takes energy. It steals joy and tries to put a hold on happiness. There is truly no relaxing when pain is present; one is constantly fighting to be stronger than the pain.
Pain turns small tasks into marathons. Showering becomes difficult and draining. Eating is exhausting. Getting dressed and brushing teeth can seem nearly impossible.
If there was one thing about my life I wish people could truly understand, it’s that pain is a dominating force in my world. I may fight it, I may ignore it, I may even have good days… but pain — or the plethora of symptoms it brings along — is always present.
Does that mean I am unhappy? No. Does that mean I am strong? Yes.”
“I believe in the sun
Even when it is not shining
And I believe in love
Even when there’s no one there
And I believe in God
Even when He is silent
I believe through any trial
There is always a way.
But sometimes in this suffering
And hopeless despair
My heart cries for shelter
To know someone’s there
But a voice rises within me saying
“Hold on my child”
I’ll give you hope
I’ll give you strength
Just stay a little while.“
Beauty From Affliction 