Grief is a big part of having a chronic illness and chronic pain.
And just like when you experience grief when someone dies, grief because of losing your life to illness and/or pain involves a lot of the same things. It’s a process and at anytime during this journey, the grief can come on at full force even after you’ve dealt with it at another time. The past month or so I have been experiencing my grief again in losing my old life, losing/having to give up my job (my passion), losing financial independence, losing my social life, losing my memory (yes, chronic pain tends to make you forget A LOT), losing my ability to make and keep commitments with people, etc., etc., etc.
Grief is hard, no matter what the grief is about. Time will not heal this grief… just like time doesn’t heal your grief when someone dies. It’s hard to explain, but if you have ever grieved for someone or something, you understand. It lessens a bit, isn’t as overwhelming… and then, BAM… there it is! I have to continue to rely on God and his strength while I try to give everything I’m feeling to Him. It’s not an easy task to do when the pain has me in bed most of the time.
There are so many times I want to cry, but I can’t. I think many years ago I subconsciously kept myself from crying when my head hurt so bad, because crying is one of my triggers for more pain. It used to cause me to get a migraine, now it just makes my pain more intense. So, now when I need to release and cry, I can’t.
This new life that I have is difficult. The grief is hard. I continue to have to find things to encourage my spirit. If I don’t.. well, I would be in a really bad place. I love to laugh, and I think that has helped me tremendously! Laughing is so therapeutic.
And, I love that when I don’t have the energy or am in too much pain to find encouragement, God always sends it my way… just when I need it.
“Each of us will have our own Fridays—those days when the universe itself seems shattered and the shards of our world lie littered about us in pieces. We all will experience those broken times when it seems we can never be put together again. We will all have our Fridays. But I testify to you in the name of the One who conquered death—Sunday will come. In the darkness of our sorrow, Sunday will come. No matter our desperation, no matter our grief, Sunday will come. In this life or the next, Sunday will come.”
― Joseph B. Wirthlin
Beauty From Affliction 