I think of community a lot.
I remember what it was like to be a part of a wonderful community of friends while in college. It truly was one of the best times of my life… surrounded by people who were my family. We could count on each other for anything and everything. We prayed for and with each other. We studied academics and the Bible together. We laughed. We cried. We fought. We forgave. We loved each other and showed each other love every day. We spent time together every day. We had real conversations about real issues going on with us, around us, or in the world.
And, all of this was before the time of cell phones, Facebook, Twitter, and blogs. Now, we are spread out all over… most are married and some have children now, and have other communities they are a part of. Which is understandable.. life moves on. Things change.
I have to say, I miss being a part of such a special community. It’s hard being so isolated in life. Having a chronic illness and being in chronic pain doesn’t make being part of a community easy. Which is why I have a big void. I’m not able to commit to things like I used to be able to. (Back in college is where my pain/illness turned chronic)
When you can’t commit to things because you never know how bad you will be feeling at any time of any particular day, it’s very hard to be a part of something bigger than yourself. It’s hard to make and build relationships. I think it’s also hard for others to reach out to me. They don’t understand what I’m going through, so often times they don’t do anything, because they think that’s better than doing the wrong thing. And, in my situation, I can only reach out so much and so many times before I just have to give up.
As a Christian, I am supposed to make myself a part of a community of believers. To be a part of and do exactly what my community was doing in college. Growing in every way… most importantly in Christ… TOGETHER. So, what happens when you can’t do that? It’s something I struggle with a lot. Believe me, I didn’t ever picture my life like this at 31. It’s downright hard. I hide that a lot from others.
Now, I don’t want to come off as a negative person… because I’m not. But many times to keep from breaking down, I just hide it all and smile. I miss being around those friends in college, who saw behind that smile. Not to say that my smile isn’t genuine. Because it is… it just has some pain/life behind it. It’s hard when you can’t do what God has called you to do in the capacity you once did it in. I am so thankful to still have the opportunity to use my gifts with children in other ways… when I’m able. But, it’s not the same, and it still leaves me feeling a bit empty.
God is teaching me so much in this season of life. And, blessing me in many ways. But, I’m also left with so many questions. Questions that I believe I may never get an answer to. I’m not implying that I don’t have real, true, wonderful people that I am blessed to call friends in my life now. Because I do. And, I wouldn’t trade them for anything in the world! It’s just different.
So, for now… I have my books, my online perusing, Facebook (sometimes only way I can keep in touch), conversations with God, TV, movies, my thoughts and memories to keep me company.
“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?” — George Eliot
“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.” — Mitsugi Saotome
Beauty From Affliction 