Tag: Joy

So many times in our lives we have to figure out where we fit in. When I was younger, I thought for sure all of these things would be figured out by the time I was in my thirties. Oh, how little we really know…

For some, fitting in is so easy that they never miss a beat. For others, like me, there can be a struggle. It is a funny thing… because there are so many situations where I’m really great at fitting in. Then there are those situations where I’m surrounded by an anxiety that is so overwhelming to where just being around and talking to people feels like (and is) a huge burden. A lot of that has to do with my pain levels (and other symptoms that come with Migraine). And, the toll that thirteen plus years of constant, unwavering pain has on a person, their body, and mind.

I haven’t written a post since June. (I’m even questioning this post as I write it.) It has been intentional and unintentional. Intentional because with all the effort I put out to help people understand my struggle (which is also a similar struggle for so many others), it doesn’t seem to be worth it. I don’t write these posts for views, likes or comments. But to be honest, it can be very disheartening and discouraging to see others write about their struggles and get so much support, encouragement and feedback. Look, I get it. Most people don’t have the same exact struggles for almost 15 years. It gets tiring to hear about it. Tiring to support someone and encourage someone that long. Believe me, I GET IT. It’s even harder for me to live it and encourage myself that long. I read a quote recently and it talks about this very thing.
“In our competitive society, chronic infirmity or illness is viewed as a personal failing rather than the random stroke of fate that it is. If my pain and disability were temporary, I would get sympathy and accommodation, but incurable suffering makes most people uncomfortable. They become impatient and distant, and I detect an undercurrent of disbelief that I must have done something to deserve this — something they can avoid doing.” -Angelika Byczkowski
Not writing a post has also been unintentional. My Migraine is becoming such a heavy burden. The pain is making it so I don’t feel well enough to sit and think about writing (or doing) anything at all. Especially a blog post. And keeping in touch with people is becoming harder and harder. I don’t always have the energy or the will power to break through the brain fog or pain to keep in touch as well I would like (and used to be able to)… so because I’m not always making much of an effort, most of the time I don’t hear from anyone checking in or just saying hello or asking to get together if I feel up to it. (Yes, just being asked means so much. But, if I have made plans with someone, I will do my best to be there!) Not to say I am not grateful for those in my life. I am! So very much. Sometimes I just really need to know that someone is thinking of me, praying for me, just wanted to say hey or ask how I am really doing and really want to hear the real answer. It truly helps my spirit and makes my heart happy… and it gives me a little oomph to make it through another day. 🙂

I also know it’s not all about me and that the people in my life have lives, jobs, activities, families and other friends that they need their attention. The last thing I want to do is be a bother or a burden. (I’ve learned in the past couple years that’s a common thought & desire among many of those that have a chronic illness.) Which is another reason I haven’t wanted to write as much or share. Plus, I’ve gotten quite good at being invisible… the one that isn’t noticed, while observing everything going on and can slip in and out very quietly. Thanks to my introvert personality, I’ve had a lot of time to practice! 😉

Fitting in. It is hard to fit in and to feel like you truly belong when you have a hard time making it to social events. And the one place I always thought I could fit in no matter how often I was able to make it was my church of over 20 years. In the last 5 or 6 years or so my active participation level has gone down because of my health. Before that I was probably at the church for something or at an event somewhere (especially if it was with the Youth I volunteered with) 10 or more hours a week. Something I love and am passionate about is working and hanging out with the Youth. I was able to do it for over 10 years, and for that I am grateful. Even though some things have changed with my situation in life and my location, I was still glad my church was somewhere I could still belong and no matter what I had their support if I needed it. And even though I haven’t moved my membership, it seems as though I am no longer a member. And, that hurts. There’s a reason I haven’t moved my membership… I still wanted to be a member there and belong! I keep up with everything going on even if I’m not able to physically be there.

With my health, it can be very hard for me to go out and make new friends or start new relationships, because I can’t be counted on to nurture and grow that new relationship the way it needs to be. I think that adds to the anxiety in new social situations where I might have to attempt to make those connections. Along with answering all the questions people who don’t know you want to ask. School? (Most people think I’m in college and college-aged) Work? Married? Dating? Etc., etc. Which is why I crave my “old” friends and relationships. They know most of that and don’t ask the questions I most dread and that can make me feel (notice I said feel) like a failure. The people I know ask questions about how I have been or how my health has been lately or how I’m handling things or holding up. Questions I don’t dread as much. But there are times I do. Because who wants to keep hearing how nothing has changed for the better with my health and that it seems to be getting worse year by year and harder to handle?

I have to remember to not be so hard on myself. That I am more than what I’m going through. Because sometimes it just feels like all of this is taking over everything else in my life and who I am. But, I’m so much more! And, I have so much to offer!

One thing is for sure, I absolutely love and cherish all the moments I get to hang out and take care of little ones. Another passion and love (and my career for almost 10 years) of mine. I am so very thankful to the friends/families that still give me opportunities for a few hours every so often to love on their children! They bring me so much joy. Those times are some of my best spent moments in life. 🙂  I always fit in with the little ones and for that I am grateful and glad!

If I haven’t told you recently, I’m sorry. Please know I love you, care about you, appreciate you and am glad that you are alive and a part of my life! You matter and are important to me.

If you know someone who is having a hard time… please take the time out to send them some encouragement, say hello, ask how they really are (and actively listen!), make them laugh, give them a hug, tell them you love them… you never know how much it will mean to them. It might even change or save their life! Personally, I am trying to be better about that as well… no matter how bad I might feel. Someone might be in a worse place than I am.

Either way, we could all use more love in our lives! 🙂

“One awesome thing about Eeyore is that even though he is basically clinically depressed, he still gets invited to participate in adventures and shenanigans with all of his friends. What is amazing is that they never expect him to pretend to feel happy, they never leave him behind or ask him to change, THEY JUST SHOW HIM LOVE.”

“So if the pain and discomfort of your difficult circumstances persist, don’t take it lightly. But more importantly, don’t lose heart. God’s up to something pretty special in your life.”

“There is a light in this world, a healing spirit more powerful than any darkness we may encounter. We sometimes lose sight of this force when there is suffering, too much pain. Then suddenly, the spirit will emerge through the lives of ordinary people who hear a call and answer in extraordinary ways.” -Mother Teresa