The Big M and 13 years

This month (March) marks 13 years that I’ve had The Big M. The name seems fitting, doesn’t it? Thirteen years is about 4748 days. Or 678 weeks. Or 156 months. (Whoa!)

Sometimes I can’t seem to comprehend the fact I’ve been in constant pain for so long. I CANNOT remember what it’s like to live without being in pain and without the migraine (and all the symptoms that comes with it). Then, at other times it feels like I’ve been living with this for much longer than 13 years. Technically, I have. But, before March of 2001, it was not constant/chronic or singular.

When I think about 13 years of constant nagging, screaming, annoying pain… that’s how long I spent in school from kindergarten to 12th grade. Which is funny in a way to me because with that association… The Big M started the second semester of my freshman year of college. After finishing my 13 years of education before college, the current 13 year journey I’m on started during my first year of college.

I have learned and experienced so many things on this journey. Here are some of them:

1. Compassion- While I’ve always had compassion, I have had so much more of it during this journey. You can’t help but be compassionate when you need it so much yourself.

2. My passion & calling- In the first few years of this journey, I didn’t know where God wanted me… but I quickly found out. Being a teacher is the last thing I ever wanted to do. Even though I had been in a “teaching” role since I’d been in high school (and middle school) with taking care of children and hanging out with some of the younger youth. God had other plans… and I’m so glad He did! I’m thankful I had 10 years in my profession doing what I love.

3. Faith & Trust- My faith and trust have been tested time and time again. But, in being tested.. it has grown stronger. It’s deeper. As much as I’d like to know why, it’s not important anymore. Accepting that this pain may never go away here on this earth took a lot of faith and trust in God. I have to continue to look for the blessings God sends my way. Believe me, there are plenty! If I only focused on what has been taken away or the pain I’m never without, I would be a very bitter person. And, none of this means I don’t think God could heal me. He can! It’s happened before. But, healing isn’t only physical. So, maybe my healing is happening in another way. 🙂

4. Letting go- This couldn’t happen until I accepted my life would probably be one of constant (24/7) pain. With letting go, I know there are many things I can’t control in my situation. Knowing that, things are made easier and harder. Easier because it’s not my fault when I can’t do something that I used to be able to or when I am not able to make it to something I planned to do or to see someone I planned to see. It’s harder because although it’s not my fault when I can’t do something or attend something I planned to, there’s a lot of guilt associated with it. I’ve always been big on keeping my promises, sticking to commitments, and making my actions match up with what I say. Being in pain all the time takes that all away. I have to let go and be OK with not being able to make plans in advance or last minute like I used to be able to, because I never know minute by minute, hour to hour, or day to day how bad I will feel. That’s one of the hardest things I still struggle with.

5. Embracing the present- When I never know how bad I might feel, I have to embrace the present. Doing that makes things more bearable. If I realize I just have to get through the next minute or hour when I am feeling so bad, I am able to get through it more easily. It’s not as overwhelming as thinking about how I have to get through the whole day. It also allows me to really enjoy the moments that are good and see all of my blessings.

6. Appreciation of the little things- Was I able to get a shower today? Did I actually remember some things I wanted to get done today? (My memory is terrible now) Was I able to fix myself a meal? (Instead of scrounging for things like cereal, granola bars, fruit, crackers, etc) Did I get through the day without some form of caffeine? (It helps take the edge off my pain, sometimes gives me the strength to function, helps with nausea, and can keep me from passing out when I’m shaky) Did I get to do something I enjoy? Did I connect with someone today? Did I laugh? Was I encouraged? Did something or someone make me smile? Was I able to enjoy nature? Did I feel well enough to get out of the house? Did I learn something?

7. Friends- My friends are so important to me! I know I am not as good of a friend as I used to be. But, I try… really hard. And, my friends are never far from my heart or thoughts. I enjoy every moment I get with my friends and I’m so thankful I have some great ones. They continue to love me, care for me, worry on my behalf, pray for me, encourage me, know my heart, keep in touch and want to be in my company! My heart is happy when I think of my friends.. it’s even happier when I’m in their company. 🙂

8. Experiences- In this journey of pain, God has given me (and continues to give me) some wonderful opportunities with GREAT experiences! (I don’t know if it all would happened or have been the same without the pain. He’s used my pain to make me stronger and more aware of His calling) Which has brought many people from all over the world into my life, some of which will be dear friends/family to me for life. I have been able to experience so many different cultures in different countries, and here in the US. I’ve even become a better public speaker because of my experiences… (not because I like it or am more comfortable doing it) I don’t know how to describe it, but my personality has changed some with these experiences. Though, not in a bad way.

9. Knowing my limits- Sometimes I forget my limits aren’t what they used to be! I want to do so many things, but I have to be realistic. And, if I do too much… my body and head quickly reminds me. Then it takes me a couple of days to recover. But, it’s all worth it to me. 🙂

Reading this, might help you understand a day in the life of me (and many others who have a chronic illness or endure chronic pain).

10. Love- The beauty of love. God continuously shows me his wonderful love for me and others. And, most of the time it is in the little things. Which is why I love to embrace and appreciate the little things. God is there. He’s the reason I can get through any of this! Because of His love… He gives me strength to overcome. Without Him, there would be no strength. My parents show me so much love in all they do for me when I don’t feel well enough to do for myself. Again, a lot of it is in the little things. I am so grateful God chose them to be my parents.

There it is! Whew… it took me almost all of March to write this. With the way I’ve been feeling and just getting overwhelmed (it happens easily now) with the thought of writing it all, it took a lot longer than I anticipated. But, I did it! 🙂

I hope it makes sense. Sometimes, I have a hard time getting things out and written without them being confusing. My brain is so jumbled when I hurt badly. So, I apologize if it’s not as clear to you as it should be.

“I am tired of all the cliches. Yes, it hurts. Yes, God has a purpose. There are good days and there are bad days, there are messy moments in my life and there are miracles. My body is weak, but it is well with my soul. We don’t always need to talk about rainbows and sunshine, storms or valleys. This is life. And despite the challenges, I know I am blessed.” ― Lisa Copen