The Day My Friends Thought I Died

Disclaimer: This post might be a trigger to those with mental health issues as it mentions suicide.

May is Mental Health Awareness month. I have not shared this story with many people since it happened. I have been holding on to this post for awhile, waiting for the right time for it to be shared. Took some time to edit it to fit what is going on right now so that it’s a bit more current. Thank you for taking the time to read what’s on my heart.

When I think about that day now, I think of it filled with friends, love, laughter and a few tears. It was a day I felt seen and loved so fully by my friends. Usually, I am not the friend that people are always there for, or that people make a big deal about (which I am OK with), or that people invite to go places or to hang out, or that people make an effort keep in touch with even when I’ve failed horribly with keeping in touch with them. Which is a big reason the reaction by my friends completely surprised me this particular day.

It was the kind of day that was becoming more and more common for me while in college. The kind of day where the pain and other symptoms of my then one year old constant, 24/7 migraine attack were too much to function. The kind of day where I had to take the pain medicine that would knock me out for most of the day, if not all of it. Just to be able to make my pain level go down enough notches to function and go to class.

I e-mailed my professor to let him know once again I couldn’t make it to class (because of the constant monster that was starting to consume my life — although I left that part out), let alone barely get out of bed. I probably ate something from the food I kept in my dorm room, because not eating anything is a trigger for me and would make the pain even worse, took the pain medicine that would knock me out, and made sure it was as dark as it could be to sleep. Thankfully that year I was in a private one person dorm room, which made it easier for the times when I needed to do this. I didn’t feel I was inconveniencing anyone or making anyone worry unnecessarily about me.

Little did I know…

The next day I wasn’t much better and was recovering from the medicine I had taken the day before, since it always seems the medicine you take to help a migraine attack has side effects that are almost worse than just having the migraine (and the side effects from a migraine attack alone are bad enough).

I e-mailed my professors for the classes that day and explained everything once again with a lot of dread permeating throughout every inch of me. I distinctly remember how much dread I was feeling those two days. Dread because I didn’t want to be stuck in my dorm room in bed once again not able to go to class and participate in my life at college. I had worked so hard to even make it to college. Dread because I didn’t like having to explain my illness and pain and it was rare for anyone to understand. Which is why it has always been easier to deal with it by myself without telling others.

Late afternoon of the second day, I was jarred awake by loud knocking on my door. While I was still trying to come out of the medicinal and sleep fog I was under, I heard my door being unlocked and opened. This confused me, because I lived in a private one person dorm room, so no one else should be unlocking and opening my door. The first person to rush in was one of my good friends and right behind him was a security guard.

My friend looked extremely relieved to see me and again I was confused at why they were here and had opened my door. He explained that none of our friends had heard from or seen me the past two days (several of us were all religion majors and had a lot of the same classes) and they had become worried.

Side note: This was before cell phones were prevalent and we still used the landline phones along with e-mail and instant messenger to communicate on campus when not together face to face.

He told me he thought he was going to find me dead in my room, thinking I had chosen to end my life and he had to convince security to unlock my room to check on me. I was stunned and shocked. It never occurred to me that anyone would be thinking of me taking my own life. I explained that I had been in touch with all my professors the past two days to let them know how bad I was feeling with my migraine attack and that I needed to take the medicine that knocked me out to help with the pain level.

After the security guard left and my friend and I talked a bit, my friend mentioned he was speaking at FCA that night. He asked me to come and after hesitating for a bit, I agreed. Soon, a group of friends had shown up to my dorm room and I quickly got overwhelmed with hugs, concern, tears, laughter, love, happiness, excitement, etc. from everyone. It was a lot to take in. If you know me, you know how uncomfortable I am with a lot of attention focused on me in a group of people. I’d rather be in the background. I remember in that moment taking in that the friends surrounding me weren’t necessarily all friends themselves, but they all had me in common. That made my heart happy to see. They told me they were taking me to dinner and that I couldn’t say no. After I quickly freshened up, we all went to Subway (our school was in an extremely small town and there were only a handful of places off campus to eat at in town), as it was a favorite among all of us and one of the quicker options.

Once we were finished eating, most of us that went to grab dinner also went to the FCA meeting. My friend that was speaking changed his whole talk. In essence it was about me, which of course made me uncomfortable. In actuality it was about something bigger… Friendship. Community. Not taking the people in our lives for granted. Making sure to let someone know how much you love and care for them. Checking in with friends to make sure they are really OK.

These things are also true right now with what we all are collectively going through in the world with the COVID-19 pandemic. The real things that matter in life are the people in your life — whether they are family or friends, your community — no matter what that entails for you, letting people know how much you love, appreciate and care for them, trying not taking them for granted and making sure those in your life are really OK. There are other things as well… like your health which includes your physical, mental and spiritual health and of course the safety of yourself and those you love.

My mental health has not been the best as of late. Currently, my 24/7 constant, non-stop migraine attack is 19 years old. Every year seems to get a bit harder in dealing with the pain and other symptoms from the migraine attack. I’m literally running out of options of treatments and medicines to try to help me even just a little bit. It’s depressing and highly disappointing to have come to this realization. Friends have fallen further and further away. Out of all the friends I mentioned earlier that were there for me that day in college, there’s only one that I regularly keep in touch with and they regularly keep in touch with me. It hurts to think that so many are not a regular part of my life anymore. I know it’s a normal part of life to grow apart from friends, and it tends to be even more so when you’re an introvert and have a chronic illness and chronic pain. I’m so grateful and appreciative God put those friends in my life at the time He did, because their friendships were some of the richest I’ve had. It helped that we all lived together in our community at school and were in classes together and had many of the same extracurricular activities. I have so many wonderful memories of all our times together and how God used them in so many positive ways to help me grow, be a bit bolder in my faith and in life, encourage me, and give me many laughs. God blessed me beyond measure when they all showed up worried about me that one night in college.

Why do we wait until someone has died to share all they meant to us? Don’t wait until your loved ones are gone to express how much they mean to you and how much you appreciate them. Check in with your family and friends. If someone is brought to your mind, reach out and let them know — it might be the thing that helps them hang on a littler longer that day! Encourage the people in your life and pray for them, even if you never let them know. Although, letting them know you’re thinking of them or praying for them will encourage them more than you might ever know. Love the people in your life deeply. Care for them in any way you can. ❤️

“When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.” ― Henri Nouwen

“Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival.” ― C.S. Lewis

Why did you do all of this for me?’ he asked. ‘I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.’ ‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.’ ― E.B. White

 

If you or someone you know needs help, call 1-800-273-8255 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline.

You can also text HOME to 741-741 for free, 24-hour support from the Crisis Text Line.

Outside of the U.S., please visit the International Association for Suicide Prevention for a database of resources.